someone threw a dead crab at me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I will pee on everything he values.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
