Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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