she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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