This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
