$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
