A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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