My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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