You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
