I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
