god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Ketchup is God's man juice
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
