my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
