So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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