im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
