i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
