And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
