I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
