I will die if light touches me.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize