i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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