I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize