I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
