Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
