No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
