His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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