I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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