Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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