My liver just broke up with me...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just invented taco cereal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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