apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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