he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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