I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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