I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
