On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
