I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize