I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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