so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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