I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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