Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
