well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
