I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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