I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
babies were throwing up all over the place
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
