yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
