and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
