first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Two words: blizzard sex
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
