It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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