he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
But theres a keg here and me gusta
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
