3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
