How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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