I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it's like heaven, but drunker
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
