I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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