piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
only if we run a train.
done.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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