He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
