My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
please don't ironically join a cult
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