i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
