it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize