So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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