I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
