There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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